Why can’t I just go to sleep and never wake up?

Have you ever felt bad or guilty for something good happening in your life? Like somehow you do not deserve happiness… I have felt like that ever since I got off the phone with someone I can honestly say has been my only best friend in a very long time. We have not been talking for almost six months now… and each day that went by was like an eternity… I have know her since high school… but it has only been in the last year or so…that I have found out how amazing she is… She was the first voice I heard when I woke in the morning and the last voice I heard before I laid my head down to sleep….we would even fall asleep on the phone…not wanting to hang up… She was my strength … my rock…. I could tell her anything!

I was an ass this past December right before New Years…even when she literally saved my life.  On Christmas Eve, I started writing a suicide note for who ever would find me…and pass it along to be read at my funeral. I started writing at eight pm. and I was finishing up at just pass four Christmas morning…. I neatly arranged the envelopes on my table… took a shower and laid down with my dagger…. with tears flowing down my face… I raised the knife in the air when my cell rang. It was Char… I hid my sniffles the best I could and wished her a Merry Christmas. I could not tell if she knew I had been crying…but what she did next was the nicest thing anybody has ever done for me  in my whole life…. She ask me if I wanted to share her Christmas with her and her children.  Even though it was only via phone… it was the best Christmas I had ever had. I still have those letters I wrote… and I will always remember that day for the rest of my life.

A week later we were to move in together… even though she was closer to me than anyone in my life… I still had not told her about my being Transgender. I could not let anything ruin our friendship… and instead of just telling her… I did what I always do when someone loves me… I pushed her away…. I hurt her very deeply and I felt horrible…but I would rather blame myself for pushing her away than have the only person on this earth that loved me…reject me because I was Transgender and to tell you the truth… I didn’t feel like I deserved to be happy…. I still feel that way to this day!!

Today we reconnected…and just like we had done before…spent most of the day texting each other and talking on the phone like we never lost a step…and it was wonderful!!!!  Just like in the past, I didn’t want to say good night… I have missed my friend so much…. and I feel so bad for how I treated her…  I do not deserve such a friend… I truly don’t…

So here I am…. three am. in the morning with tears running down my cheeks and dry blood on both of my arms from cutting…

I do not want to hurt my friend again… and even though this has been the first really good day I have had since we last spoke December 31st.  I don’t want to wake up in the morning… I would rather die having had this one last happy day with her, than risk losing my best friend again…

Why can’t I just go to sleep and never wake up?