This happened while I was taking 18 credit hours of Honor classes. I was given an assignment to write about something in my past. So like an idiot, I chose to write about one of my combat experiences.
I can not seem to locate that paper at this time, but this letter was a direct result of writing it:
***This is from February 2008 so please do not be alarmed***
“I guess it's part of our professional protocol.” I can buy that…I am however a little, well very disturbed about some of questions Dr. Busacca asked me before I left your office the other day. For example, “did you kill anyone in combat?” or “did you see any of your friends die?” It did not hit me until later that evening and really sunk in when you informed me that it was deemed inappropriate for you to have “social” contact with students, which makes sense to me… it really does however, his questions triggered some horrible memories for me…ones that cannot escape my mind. If you are a civilian, there is one thing you must learn if you are to ever connect with those in the military, especially combat veterans who have returned from battle. You will never understand our experiences, and to say that you do is a great insult. Now that is not to say you do not try to ask questions and show veterans that you care. However, note the difference: when a civilian asks a veteran "How many people did you kill?" or "Did you lose anyone you knew?" are you really asking them because you are concerned, or are you really too self-absorbed to know that you just caused them great pain, and reminded them of a hell you would probably not have survived from. Such questions show you are inconsiderate and only awaken the rage in the veteran. A just reaction if you ask me. If you truly care to learn more of what they experienced out of concern or care for the soldier or combat veteran, then you can ask them if they are comfortable talking about the war, and based upon their response, you can ask if they can share something. (Salin)Breaking ties to someone in whom I was trying to connect with due to similar interests only makes matters worse, protocol, or no protocol. It has made me think long and hard about my present situation and is leaving me with the feeling of NO WAY OUT! One being thorough, especially in this situation, I did a lot of research on the topic and here is what I came up with;
1. We are commonly diagnosed with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) PTSD sufferers re-experience the traumatic event or events in some way. As a result, they tend to avoid places, people, or other things that remind them of the event, and are exquisitely sensitive to normal life experiences. Untreated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can have devastating, far-reaching consequences for sufferers' functioning in relationships, their families, and in society.
2. A combat veteran is more likely to abuse drugs and or alcohol to mask their painful memories of war.
3. We have an extremely high percentage rate for attempting and committing suicide. As many as 18 veterans of American wars take their own lives in the United States every day—more than 6,500 per year. Vietnam veteran advocates have estimated that suicide ultimately killed more of the soldiers who fought in that conflict than the actual war itself. The same trend is now surfacing among the veterans of Afghanistan and Iraq. (Cogan, 2009)
I have no idea about what I am going to do, nevertheless if some unfortunate incident would occur please know I am only making these statements so that you (Beth) or Dr. Busacca do not hold any personal blame for not doing more, you did all that you could. I have been through this too many times…so many in fact I am just tired…tired of the pain, the memories, and not being able to amount to anything past the war. The present is a blur… the past is tattooed in my mind with no escape…and the future…well the future does not hold a place for me in it. My uniform is at my mother’s house and she does not have the best memory so if something does happen please remind her that I would like to buried in it (full dress uniform) and to have my body placed under my father’s grave in the Military Cemetery in Rittman Ohio; it is in my will at the VA. As for my children…fight hell in high water so that my ex reminds my children of the good things I have done and not just the bad or for my failures. These meds have just made things worse and perhaps I should have stayed at the hospital, regardless I would be the same person when I got out, with the same pain and with the same misery. I actually made a list of the pros and cons and the pros lost. I have tried everything I could and the past has taught me that things for me only get worse.
Writing is comforting for me and ironically, this has been easier than I thought. The only reason I am writing to the both of you is that I am afraid…very afraid! If things happen to come out for the good and I wake up alive yet another day I do not want this to tarnish me in any way. I am counting on your confidence and if this turns out to be nothing more than a pity party I DO NOT want this to affect my future if I end up having one. I DO NOT want to be kicked out of school, for this is the only way for me to distract my mind if only for a while. Why send it, you may ask…good question. Use it as a tool to access other combat vets going through what I am, add it to your “professional protocol” hell…have Beth write a book about it, perhaps she could make some money and launch a writing career instead of being cooped up in that office. However, remember this, if it were not for Beth I would have killed myself a long time ago. She happens to treat veterans like people instead of consumers so please think about redefining your “professional protocol.”
This e-mail IS NOT a suicide note! I am simply communicating my present feelings to escape the pain that has been consuming me. This is actually therapeutic and perhaps I may actually get some sleep tonight.
PLEASE!
1. Do not call the police; it really will not matter either way.
2. Do not call the VA; I will call my doctor tomorrow.
3. Do give me time to work through this.
4. Do keep this “in house” where it will not ruin my college career.
If you feel the need to call to make sure I am still alive…feel free…as I stated before I needed to get this on paper and I hope I can trust your confidence.
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