I Lost A Dear Friend

The Trans Community lost a dear friend and sister to suicide.

Krista, in her own words, written in preparation for a panel she spoke on in October 2010:

"My name is Krista Renee E. I am a chef, I am a mother (with 2 of the most beautiful daughters anyone could ask for), I am a Veteran, I am a skier, I am a hiker, and I am a downhill mountain biker. I am all these things and more. These are merely facets of my life that as a whole, cooperating together, make me the woman you see standing before you. The journey to become the woman standing here today has been one filled with rough roads, joyous journeys, quizzical periods and a world of acceptance and harmony that had previously been unknown to me."

Rest In Peace Krista ! You will remain in my heart and soul for an eternity… I almost joined you last night…but there is still work for me to do here on Earth… I will see you soon love!

The world has lost one of it’s best !!!! I am very sad….very sad….

To visit Krista’s memorial page there is a link to the right of this post.

Is this the end?

I have been pondering this question all evening… earlier I felt my mood go from a 7 to a –7… For no particular reason… I don’t think there was a trigger, all I know is that I am at about a (–10)…which for me is past the point of a suicide note… I am completely numb right now… I am quite sure I am not going to make it to see the sun rise, and if I do… my body will be stuck to my sheets from dried blood… I tried not to cut tonight… I honestly did… I went as far as to post a “rope” a cry for help…for someone…anyone to be my lifeline tonight… Not one response…

So the rest of my night shall be interesting…painful but most of all utterly lonely….even though I just want to run…. hide….and die! So is this the end? Is it worth it? Is one more day in my pathetic existence worth it? Will anything ever change? When I take one step forward in life…I end up being thrown six steps back… I am so in the negative, I would have to live to be 150 just to break even…

How do I break this cycle? Perhaps I am destined to just die alone… painfully and utterly alone…. Is this the end?

How Zoe Came to Be…

Why can’t I just go to sleep and never wake up?

Have you ever felt bad or guilty for something good happening in your life? Like somehow you do not deserve happiness… I have felt like that ever since I got off the phone with someone I can honestly say has been my only best friend in a very long time. We have not been talking for almost six months now… and each day that went by was like an eternity… I have know her since high school… but it has only been in the last year or so…that I have found out how amazing she is… She was the first voice I heard when I woke in the morning and the last voice I heard before I laid my head down to sleep….we would even fall asleep on the phone…not wanting to hang up… She was my strength … my rock…. I could tell her anything!

I was an ass this past December right before New Years…even when she literally saved my life.  On Christmas Eve, I started writing a suicide note for who ever would find me…and pass it along to be read at my funeral. I started writing at eight pm. and I was finishing up at just pass four Christmas morning…. I neatly arranged the envelopes on my table… took a shower and laid down with my dagger…. with tears flowing down my face… I raised the knife in the air when my cell rang. It was Char… I hid my sniffles the best I could and wished her a Merry Christmas. I could not tell if she knew I had been crying…but what she did next was the nicest thing anybody has ever done for me  in my whole life…. She ask me if I wanted to share her Christmas with her and her children.  Even though it was only via phone… it was the best Christmas I had ever had. I still have those letters I wrote… and I will always remember that day for the rest of my life.

A week later we were to move in together… even though she was closer to me than anyone in my life… I still had not told her about my being Transgender. I could not let anything ruin our friendship… and instead of just telling her… I did what I always do when someone loves me… I pushed her away…. I hurt her very deeply and I felt horrible…but I would rather blame myself for pushing her away than have the only person on this earth that loved me…reject me because I was Transgender and to tell you the truth… I didn’t feel like I deserved to be happy…. I still feel that way to this day!!

Today we reconnected…and just like we had done before…spent most of the day texting each other and talking on the phone like we never lost a step…and it was wonderful!!!!  Just like in the past, I didn’t want to say good night… I have missed my friend so much…. and I feel so bad for how I treated her…  I do not deserve such a friend… I truly don’t…

So here I am…. three am. in the morning with tears running down my cheeks and dry blood on both of my arms from cutting…

I do not want to hurt my friend again… and even though this has been the first really good day I have had since we last spoke December 31st.  I don’t want to wake up in the morning… I would rather die having had this one last happy day with her, than risk losing my best friend again…

Why can’t I just go to sleep and never wake up?

My days are numbered and so…

I am sorry it has been over a week since I have posted a Blog. I have been in and out of Doctor appointments and getting MRI’s, which I hate ! This morning it felt like the huge magnets were going to tear my head apart !!! Not fun at all… I had to get a MRI of my head because there is a tumor sitting on my Pituitary Gland and they are monitoring it.

I wrote a note on my Facebook today after I received a direct message on Twitter that stated, “i think it be best if we keep our friendship surface level.” I really do not have time in my life with Breast Cancer and a Brain Tumor to waist on “surface level” friends…. am I wrong for this ?

Here was my note:

Are we friends ? please read if you are not sure !

I try and learn something new about myself every day... on that same note, "people" tend to revile themselves to me everyday as well... either verbally or by their actions... or inactions... I happen to be going through a period in my life harder than any other I have had to endure. More than any war, or conflict... I have cut myself off from any "outside" pain... I swallowed it all up internally... However, one thing I can not deal with, and never have been able to deal with... is rejection... personal rejection brings me more pain than all of my negative experiences put together! I am who I am... and I will not change that for anyone. I see the world in black and white, and to me, the grey area promotes drama and bullshit... I refuse to live in that zone... nor will I walk on eggshells anymore... I have wasted too much of my life walking on eggshells... If we are mere "surface level" friends... this is not the place for you... feel feel to follow me on Twitter @Dennysworld but I am saving this place "Facebook" for "true" friends... and if you have to think for one moment about if we are "surface level" or true friends, then this is not the place for you. Twitter, YouTube, fine... but not here... This is a place for the friends I love and who love me...

Was that mean ? I look at it this way… I may have a very short time left on this earth… I want to be surrounded by people who love me… is that so wrong ? I need “True” dependable friends at this point in my life and I do not have the energy to waist on “surface level” friends…

I will delete the people on my Facebook that do not consider me a “True” friend…I posted on my Facebook today that: “I am not here for a “popularity contest” and it’s true… I could care less if I only have 5 or 6 friends on Facebook, as long as they are friends I love and that love me…

This is going to be a short Blog tonight…and for that I apologizes… I am not feeling too well today and I am going to bed early tonight…

Peace and Love to all of you !!!

Zoe Page

What can I say? This is my life!

Make no mistake… if we were ever really friends or close, I suspect you would know this by now. For the rest of you, I am reviling this very personal part of my life only to prevent idol gossip and future bullshit.  I will rephrase;  If you care about me and we are close, then most likely you are already privy to this information. However, if we are mere acquaintances, this is most likely going to blow your mind and to be honest, I really do not care what you may think about this newfound information. I am merely trying to just let the world know and continue with my life. This isn’t about you… this is for me…. I will ***REPEAT*** This ISN’T ABOUT YOU ! If I sound pissed off… I am… because, I should not have had to wait this long to let the people I love know about this. If you are merely a avid blog reader, my attitude was not meant for you.


What do you expect??? Fagots are rude assholes….right? That’s what my own Mother thinks of me. You know, the Mother who left my sisters and I with the babysitter and took off for years with no word. Left us with a psychotic asshole I warmly called dad… may he rot in hell ! But that is another Blog all together.
I am here to let you in on my life.. hell, I am even throwing in my medical condition for shits and giggles; more because I had already tweeted about it. Some of you might say or think: why is he even telling us all this? *Knock Knock on your head* this is not about you! With that….here we go.


I was born a poor black man in Cleveland, Ohio… well, I now have an idea of the injustice the American Black community has dealt with… Now before you say: Denny is off his rocker again…. Let me start off with this:


I am a Proud, Transgender, Transsexual and have been my whole life.  This is in no way, a result of my abusive childhood. I knew this about myself since I was five years old. I have been actively Transitioning since January of this year. I have also been on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) since February of this year. I take on a daily basis: 200mg of Spiro (Testosterone Blocker), 4mg of Estradiol (Estrogen) and 10mg of Finasteride (Testosterone Blocker).  I am taking these medications because I am Transitioning (physically changing my gender) from Male to Female. I have been in Therapy for my Transition since 1998. I am currently shopping for a (FFS surgeon) FFS: a highly aggressive form of facial-bone reconstructive surgery for transsexual women. The aim of FFS surgery is to eliminate or reduce many of the cross-gender-related deformities of the facial bones caused by late-pubertal testosterone masculinization in MtF transsexuals, in other words; a surgery to give me a female face. I am currently going through electrolysis to remove all of my body hair. I am also on track for GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) by 2015.


My recent medical condition I spoke of in my last Blog is something in which I was not going to speak of for a while but, since I am telling you about my Transition, why not tell you everything. I started to have pain in my nipples first (which is typical) for starting HRT. As the pain continued and worsened I went to the doctor to make sure it wasn’t serious. After MRI’s and a biopsy, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. The good thing is that I caught it early, the bad news is that my grandmother died from Breast Cancer.


So now you know… as I stated before: I will not tolerate judgment or ridicule of any kind. Do not get all Holier than thou… and say I am being punished for my sins. Again, If you feel that this newfound information about myself is in ***ANY WAY*** beyond the spectrum of your tolerance in continuing a friendship or acquaintance with me… by all means… don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out of my life… and do so quickly… Life is to short!
I will be more than happy to answer any questions you may have for me. Please feel free to leave comments as well. Spread the news because I do not want to have to go through this every other day.


Till next time my friends…. much love!

Are you sure you really want to know?

My first viewer Poll ended yesterday and wouldn’t you know it…. There was a tie between a Personal Experience and Sexual Experience. My question to all of you who voted…”Are you sure you really want to know?” I ask this because, there are very few people who know me to my core, and if I write this next Blog I am going to combine both; Personal and Sexual Experience and share with all of you my true essence. Fair ***warning*** those of you who think you know me and those of you who knew me back in High School, the Army, or even Family for that matter, are in for some “real” revelations to my true self. I feel that is very important and necessary to finally revile myself in a way only very few people were privy to.

I will write my first “tell all” About me: this afternoon and post it this evening. ***Please Note*** I will not tolerate judgment or ridicule of any kind.  If you feel that this newfound information about myself is in ***ANY WAY*** beyond the spectrum of your tolerance in continuing a friendship or acquaintance with me… by all means… don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out of my life… and do so quickly… Life is to short, and with my newly found medical condition (which will be revealed in due time) I have not the patients, nor the will, to shade myself to the world anymore. Love me, or Hate me… I live in a very Black and White world…. get use to it and enjoy the ride. 

Till this evening my friends….

I would like to personally and publically thank: Paris Scarlett Lees, who gave me the foresight, courage and strength through demonstration and Mentorship to “Just Do It”  Thank you so much Paris xxx