I am doing better…

I just wanted to do a quick blog to let everyone know that I am doing better… a few people voiced their concern that I had not written a blog in a few days and that they were worried about me. Thank you all for your concern !!!!

The day following my last blog was a total blank to me… I had a dissociative episode and I remember nothing of that day. I realized that when I came out of this last episode, that I had friended someone on Facebook and now I have no idea who she is, let alone where I found her. She seemed like a sweet person so I thanked her for adding me and kept her as a friend because I was too embarrassed to say…. “hey I was in a dissociative state when I added you, and now I have no idea who you are.” Has anyone else ever been through this? This is very scary to me!

Yesterday was a better day, however I did not want to jinx the day by blogging about it, I have a tendency of doing that; as soon as I blog about something good in my life…it turns to hell in a hand basket the very moment it posts; So I waited till tonight to write about what had happened and that yes, in fact I am doing better.

It is 12:57 am and I am actually tired, which is a good thing I hope… I say that because I do not want to spiral down into a deep depression. I tend to do that after a dissociative episode… and sometimes it takes weeks to recover from. Not fun at all, especially since summer is right around the corner and at times these deep depressions last for many weeks even months and I would hate to lose my summer only to come out of it just in time for winter…. that would suck !!! I hope all of you are doing well and I send my love !!!!

I would do anything

Why is it always next time, why can’t one solitary thing go my way !!!! Why is it that when I fall in love with someone, I end up pushing them away. Why can’t I be like a “normal” person? What do I have to do ! Why am I so numb to life and revert to cutting just to feel something besides pain. What did I do in my past life to deserve such a life as mine???

I go days without sleep… I can’t seem to escape a single thought. Time flies by while at the same time seems to stand still. I just want it all to stop !!!! If any of you with BPD have any helpful suggestions…. please let me know !!!! I am slowing dying here !!!!

When someone you love turns their back on you !!!!!!

Not A Sad Post

I promised a friend that I would Blog a Happy Post: Not that I haven’t had happy times in my life, I am sure there have been many. However, recalling those happy times are a lot more difficult than remembering the bad times. Hmmm I am going to have to work on that.

The Curly Haired Blond With Deep Blue Eyes

I remember I was at least five years old and still living in Cleveland. I was bored and my friend that lived across the street was not home. It was Spring time because I can remember it was a bit chilly but I can still see the green buds coming out on the trees.

I cut through the woods, which is today the Plain Dealer Newspaper Building off of I480 which was not there at the time. I had planned on cutting all the way through to John Marshal school to play on the playground, but for some reason I cut up the street before heading towards the baseball fields. I was about halfway up the street when I noticed this acoustic guitar in a garbage can on the devil strip. For those of you who are not familiar with the term “Devil Strip” ; it is the peace of land between the sidewalk and the street. I guess it is an Ohio term because people outside of my area never know what it means.

I picked out the guitar, and there was nothing wrong with it whatsoever to my surprise. It was a little wet because it had just started to rain at that moment but other than that it just needed to be tuned; it even had a shoulder strap. I turned towards the sidewalk; slipped the guitar strap around my neck and strummed a few cords. I had learned a few cords from my cousin Sue; she played the guitar like a pro back then. I turned around and started to walk back to my house because it had started to rain a lot harder at that point. When, from out of nowhere, I heard the most sweetest voice I have ever heard before; she sounded like an Angel. I looked around to try and spot where the voice was coming from, and after scanning the houses I noticed the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my short life. She was sitting on her porch in a chair with blond curly hair and deep blue eyes. I called back to her, “what did you say?” She said again, You can’t take that, it’s not yours. I tried to explain to her that I had got it out of the garbage and there was no reason that I could not take it. She smiled at me and gave me a little wave. I smiled back and as I turned to walk back home, I waved goodbye. The whole way home I could not get her out of my mind. I was in love just from one brief encounter. Who says there is no such thing as love at first sight? I would soon move to Medina and even though she was tattooed in my heart I didn’t think much of her after that.

Twenty years later, I found myself living in Berlin Germany while in the Army. My first night in Berlin the men in my Platoon took me out to get to know each other. We went to the Irish Pub. We took the train and got off at Alexanderplatz, and as soon I got off the train I saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, well not since I was five back in Cleveland. I walked up to her; she had deep blue eyes and curly blond hair. Could it be? Could she be that Angle I met when I was five? Stay tuned for my next Blog and find out!

 

February 2008

Between Blogs I am going to share how I feel the previous Blog has affected my life in a particular way.
This happened while I was taking 18 credit hours of Honor classes. I was given an assignment to write about something in my past. So like an idiot, I chose to write about one of my combat experiences.
I can not seem to locate that paper at this time, but this letter was a direct result of writing it:

***This is from February 2008 so please do not be alarmed***

“I guess it's part of our professional protocol.” I can buy that…I am however a little, well very disturbed about some of questions Dr. Busacca asked me before I left your office the other day. For example, “did you kill anyone in combat?” or “did you see any of your friends die?” It did not hit me until later that evening and really sunk in when you informed me that it was deemed inappropriate for you to have “social” contact with students, which makes sense to me… it really does however, his questions triggered some horrible memories for me…ones that cannot escape my mind. If you are a civilian, there is one thing you must learn if you are to ever connect with those in the military, especially combat veterans who have returned from battle. You will never understand our experiences, and to say that you do is a great insult. Now that is not to say you do not try to ask questions and show veterans that you care. However, note the difference: when a civilian asks a veteran "How many people did you kill?" or "Did you lose anyone you knew?" are you really asking them because you are concerned, or are you really too self-absorbed to know that you just caused them great pain, and reminded them of a hell you would probably not have survived from. Such questions show you are inconsiderate and only awaken the rage in the veteran. A just reaction if you ask me. If you truly care to learn more of what they experienced out of concern or care for the soldier or combat veteran, then you can ask them if they are comfortable talking about the war, and based upon their response, you can ask if they can share something. (Salin)
Breaking ties to someone in whom I was trying to connect with due to similar interests only makes matters worse, protocol, or no protocol. It has made me think long and hard about my present situation and is leaving me with the feeling of NO WAY OUT! One being thorough, especially in this situation, I did a lot of research on the topic and here is what I came up with;
1. We are commonly diagnosed with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) PTSD sufferers re-experience the traumatic event or events in some way. As a result, they tend to avoid places, people, or other things that remind them of the event, and are exquisitely sensitive to normal life experiences. Untreated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can have devastating, far-reaching consequences for sufferers' functioning in relationships, their families, and in society.
2. A combat veteran is more likely to abuse drugs and or alcohol to mask their painful memories of war.
3. We have an extremely high percentage rate for attempting and committing suicide. As many as 18 veterans of American wars take their own lives in the United States every day—more than 6,500 per year. Vietnam veteran advocates have estimated that suicide ultimately killed more of the soldiers who fought in that conflict than the actual war itself. The same trend is now surfacing among the veterans of Afghanistan and Iraq. (Cogan, 2009)
I have no idea about what I am going to do, nevertheless if some unfortunate incident would occur please know I am only making these statements so that you (Beth) or Dr. Busacca do not hold any personal blame for not doing more, you did all that you could. I have been through this too many times…so many in fact I am just tired…tired of the pain, the memories, and not being able to amount to anything past the war. The present is a blur… the past is tattooed in my mind with no escape…and the future…well the future does not hold a place for me in it. My uniform is at my mother’s house and she does not have the best memory so if something does happen please remind her that I would like to buried in it (full dress uniform) and to have my body placed under my father’s grave in the Military Cemetery in Rittman Ohio; it is in my will at the VA. As for my children…fight hell in high water so that my ex reminds my children of the good things I have done and not just the bad or for my failures. These meds have just made things worse and perhaps I should have stayed at the hospital, regardless I would be the same person when I got out, with the same pain and with the same misery. I actually made a list of the pros and cons and the pros lost. I have tried everything I could and the past has taught me that things for me only get worse.
Writing is comforting for me and ironically, this has been easier than I thought. The only reason I am writing to the both of you is that I am afraid…very afraid! If things happen to come out for the good and I wake up alive yet another day I do not want this to tarnish me in any way. I am counting on your confidence and if this turns out to be nothing more than a pity party I DO NOT want this to affect my future if I end up having one. I DO NOT want to be kicked out of school, for this is the only way for me to distract my mind if only for a while. Why send it, you may ask…good question. Use it as a tool to access other combat vets going through what I am, add it to your “professional protocol” hell…have Beth write a book about it, perhaps she could make some money and launch a writing career instead of being cooped up in that office. However, remember this, if it were not for Beth I would have killed myself a long time ago. She happens to treat veterans like people instead of consumers so please think about redefining your “professional protocol.”
This e-mail IS NOT a suicide note! I am simply communicating my present feelings to escape the pain that has been consuming me. This is actually therapeutic and perhaps I may actually get some sleep tonight.
PLEASE!
1. Do not call the police; it really will not matter either way.
2. Do not call the VA; I will call my doctor tomorrow.
3. Do give me time to work through this.
4. Do keep this “in house” where it will not ruin my college career.
If you feel the need to call to make sure I am still alive…feel free…as I stated before I needed to get this on paper and I hope I can trust your confidence.

Why is it so hard just to be yourself?

Introduction time,

Hi, I am Denny and I came into this world way back in 1970 when life was simple or so I thought. I was born in Cleveland Ohio on the West Side. I have three sisters, as I am the youngest. We had strangers living in our home at the ripe age of three. Dad was somewhere on a Manic High and Mom was ushering in transients to cover her daily fix. We, my sisters and I, spent many a night with the Sisters of Annunciation Catholic Church. Hiding from Biker gangs that took over our house or hiding from dad on a rampage, either way it wasn’t fun and it sure wasn’t a home.
By time I was four I had the pleasure, so I thought, of having a really cute babysitter watch me while my sisters were at school and who knows what my parents were doing at the time. All I know is that a very pretty blond was watching me. It was really fun even after she started using me as her personal vibrator. I had no idea what was going on at the time, I was only four years old. All I knew was that she showed me what she wanted me to do and I did it. It was a game to me. How would I ever know any different. She would sit in the chair and spread her legs, her panties were already off. She would guide my head between her thighs and she told me to lick….fast. I soon started having wet dreams at night. This went on for almost a year and she showed me other things to do to her too over the year.
After she stopped being my babysitter at around the age of five. I started to be watched a lot at the church. When the sisters were too busy to watch me; the two Priests: Father Y and Father K would watch me as I was left there for the day sometimes a week at a time by my mother. I remember the first time Father Y sat me atop of the filling cabinet  for the first time; It was way up high, well, high to me. He pulled down my pants and my underwear and started kissing me between my legs. Soon after, Father K would join in and they would both take turns sucking on my little wee wee. I was five years old and I had no idea what was going on, I just knew it felt good but bad at the same time. This went on for six months. By the second week I was being sodomised daily. This is getting hard to write about… I will continue tomorrow.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder is one of ten personality disorders recognised by the DSM IV.

A personality disorder is a type of mental illness and to be diagnosed particular criteria must be met. With personality disorders, the symptoms have usually been present for a long time. These symptoms have an overall negative affect on the sufferer’s life.

One of the core signs and symptoms in BPD is the proneness to impulsive behaviour. This impulsiveness can manifest itself in negative ways. For example, self-harm is common among individuals with BPD and in many instances, this is an impulsive act. Sufferers of BPD can also be prone to angry outbursts and possibly criminal offences (mainly in male sufferers) as a result of impulsive urges.

Another common feature of BPD is affective lability. This means that sufferers have trouble stabilising moods and as a result, mood changes can become erratic. Other characteristics of this condition include reality distortion, tendency to see things in ‘black and white’ terms, excessive behaviour such as gambling or sexual promiscuity, and proneness to depression.
(To learn more about symptoms and diagnostic criteria please go to the section on diagnostic criteria.)

These traits can sometimes make it very difficult for a person to maintain a relationship with someone with BPD as their behaviour and actions can be difficult to tolerate and hard to understand. It is important for persons close to a BPD sufferer to educate themselves on the condition so they can empathise with what the sufferer is going through and how they are feeling.

BPD is not usually diagnosed before adolescence. It has been suggested that BPD symptoms can sometimes improve as time goes on or even disappear all together. This is not always the case however as BPD can continue to affect sufferers well into later life.

Traits from other mental illnesses and psychological conditions from the DSM IV can often co-exist in BPD patients. These are usually anxiety disorders, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression).

Is borderline personality disorder a mental illness?

Yes! A mental illness is an illness that affects a person’s behaviour primarily rather than their physical well-being. BPD is considered by medical practitioners to be a severe psychiatric disorder. It is recognised as such by the DSM IV.

Mental illness is often not taken as seriously as physiological illness even though it is very common and can be very debilitating. It is often viewed as moodiness, craziness or a weakness when it is in fact a genuine illness that can be caused by physiological factors. People have as much control over developing a mental illness as they do over catching a cold. Like physical illness, mental illness needs treatment and is not something that someone can just will to go away.

Why the name borderline?

The name borderline was coined by Adolph Stern in 1938. This name was used to describe patients who were on a ‘borderline’ between neurosis and psychosis. However, the symptoms of BPD are not so simplistic as to be defined in terms of neurotic and psychotic. The diagnosis of BPD is based upon signs of emotional instability, feelings of depression and emptiness, identity and behavioural issues rather than signs of neurosis and psychosis. However, the name Borderline has remained even though the definition has changed. Throughout Europe, the same disorder has been given the more appropriate and less misleading title of ‘Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.’

References: BPDWORD 

http://www.bpdworld.org/what-is-bpd

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